Cluelessly in Love
by LoquaciousConstellation
Summary: Josh and Cher fall in love over a tray of burnt chocolate chip cookies! Takes places during the movie, so it doesn't follow the plot completely, so it's just a little AU. Rated for language.
1. Chapter 1

A/N: I own nothing. Also, this is the first fanfic I've ever written, so constructive criticism/any commentary is always welcome!

It would be easier if she was ugly. And dumb. And mean. And as self-absorbed as I always say she is. The sad truth, though, is that Cher Horowitz is gorgeous and genuinely cares about enhancing the well-being of others.

That bitch.

Seriously, we had this great thing going where we just hated each other the way God intended for ex-stepsiblings. She would whine to get her way, I would call her out, she would watch stupid cartoons, I would call her out, she would remain totally ignorant to world news, I would call her out. But then she has to go around aiding the Pismo Beach effort at her school and suggesting we get takeout for Mel and his coworkers after they had been working late. Really? Cher gets absolutely nothing in return for doing that, unlike when she got those two teachers together to help her grade, or when she tried to transform Tai into a carbon copy of herself.

When she was just whining to get her way all the time, it was easier to ignore how beautiful she was. But then, well, she changed. All of the sudden her short dresses weren't trashy, and the way she flipped her hair wasn't obnoxious. All of the sudden I felt like I had to look away after Cher got all dressed up to see Christian because shit, wow… I mean, if her father saw me look at her like that… yeah. Luckily I was able to pass it off as being a concerned over-protective ex-stepbrother, but it still sucked knowing she was spending her time trying to get with that Frank Sinatra wannabe. I thought about it for weeks, but those two still never made sense to me.

"JOSH! Hey Josh, come downstairs! I need you right now! PLEASE!"

I followed the smell of something burning down to the kitchen where Cher sat helplessly next to the open oven. Smoke poured out, almost hiding the charred lump of cookie dough inside. Her mascara had smudged under her eyelids; she had been crying but was desperately trying to hide that fact. I couldn't think of anything to say, but she understood the obvious question.

"I thought if I baked homemade cookies, well," Cher explained, suddenly quiet, "I thought I could bring them to school and-" sniffle "-and Christian would think there was another guy giving me homemade cookies." She looked down at her lap, embarrassed and dejected.

I wanted to tell her that she ought to stick with just sending herself flowers and chocolates, because no guy would ever bake cookies for a girl he liked, but I stopped myself and picked up the oven mitts.

"Why do you care so much about Christian?" I asked as I pulled the tray of burnt dough out of the oven. "He seems like a tool."

"Oh my gosh, you so do not understand anything. Have you seen how hot he is?"

"I guess not. Next time he comes over I'll have to pay more attention to how hot he is."

Cher smiled in spite of herself. I dumped the contents of the tray in the garbage and started to rinse the tray in the sink.

"Thanks Josh."

I smiled quietly. "Yeah, whatever, don't worry about it."

"Really, sometimes I don't know what I would do without you."

"Yeah, I get it, you've had a rough night. Don't get all cheesy."

Cher smiled again. "It's nice what you've been doing for Tai."

"What?"

"Dancing with her at that party. Talking to her. She really appreciates it."

"Oh, huh, okay," I wondered where she was going with this. "Yeah, Tai seems like a nice girl. You two still friends?"

"Yeah. I think she has a crush on you."

At the risk of sounding vain, I could very well see that Tai had a crush on me. Subtlety is not her strong suit. But I couldn't exactly just say that to Cher.

"Ha! That's cute. Well, I can't really say I'm interested in dating sixteen-year-old girls. Any guy my age who goes for that is pathetic."

I was mostly talking to myself with that last bit. I glanced over to Cher, who seemed concerned by what I had just said.

"Well… I don't know…" She was struggling to think of how to respond. "I think that if you really care about someone, their age isn't the most important thing about them."

"Sure it's not the most important thing, but it matters. Think about it, that would be like I was dating you! You two are the same age. Don't you see how wrong that is?" Cher still seemed puzzled, so I kept going. "But I guess that's not the best example, because with you and me, it's even worse. Because we're related. Sort of. Not by blood, but you know, ex-stepsiblinghood has to count for something, right?"

Cher remained quiet for just another moment, and then she smiled sadly.

"Right. That would be wrong."

"Well of course it would be wrong. We both know that. I was just using it as an example. Anyway, you're into that Christian guy."

"Yeah, right. Christian. He's… you know, he's hot and stuff."

"So I hear."


	2. Chapter 2

"So, well, like, thanks again. I'm gonna go back to my room now."

"Yeah, anytime."

I was ready to die. Of course he didn't care about me. Even with my made-over soul, all he saw was a ditz. Could I have been more obvious? Really, did he think I was still trying to impress Christian? As if! I've known Christian was gay for weeks now!

How did Josh not know that I meant to give the cookies to him? Maybe I should have left out that bit about Christian being hot. That was trying too hard. That might have confused the signals even more, I guess. But, well, I don't know, every once in awhile, Josh gets so bummed about his mother. She just doesn't act like she cares about him. Homemade cookies seemed perfect, until I ruined them. Just like I do with everything else in my love life.

Now he thinks I'm a loser who can't bake cookies and who thinks that baking cookies will somehow get a guy to like me even though no guy would ever bake cookies for a girl he likes. So I'm an idiot who can't make up good lies and he hates me. Honestly, he might as well have just said it. All that shit about how pathetic it would be for someone his age to go out with someone my age, and then that garbage about how we are apparently related? Yeah, Daddy was married to his mom for three months. That doesn't count as related.

Fine. It kinda does.

Whatever, I mean, like I said, all that doesn't matter, like, as long as people really care about each other. Or, well, it matters a little, but that doesn't mean we can't still be together, right? Like, so we could totally still be an awesome couple if we at least just tried to like… Wait. I should try to stop saying "like". Intellectuals who keep up with world news don't say "like".

Anyway, I think we would be perfect together. And I don't even care that we're ex-stepsiblings.

Ugh! Why do I say such stupid things? Why did I bring up Tai? Of course he doesn't care about Tai. That was a little bit of a relief, to be totally honest. Less of a relief was that fact that he doesn't care about me, either.

So, I'm just going to wash off my gross smudged make-up even though it SPECIFICALLY STATED on the label that it was smudgeproof and then I'm going to watch cartoons and die of embarrassment and loneliness.


	3. Chapter 3

Josh just couldn't get over how sad Cher looked. She generally operates somewhere between "Ohmygosh life makes me so happy!" and "Ohmygosh life makes me so mad!," and there usually isn't an "Ohmygosh life just super bums me out" setting.

He had never been to her room, for understandable reasons. Not only did he feel kind of weird going into her space, but he also just never had any need to go there. But this was different.

Josh stood outside Cher's door for about ten seconds until he knocked.

"Come in!" She was trying so hard to hide tears in her voice.

"Hey, you okay?" Cher was sitting on the ground beside her bed, hiding a tissue in her fist.

"Yeah, I just…" Cher didn't know what to say. It wasn't like she could tell him how she felt, not after what he said back in the kitchen. "... I just was embarrassed about the cookies, is all."

"I see that. You seem really embarrassed. Weirdly embarrassed, especially just for burning some cookies. One might even conclude that this embarrassment is not totally related to the cookies." Well, I guess we might as well get it out into the open at this point, Josh thought.

"Wow, I'm digging the Psychology lesson. Want to read into my thoughts a little more? Should I start writing a dream journal so we can better dissect my feelings?"

"Okay, yeah, I get it, we hate each other. Seriously though, is there anything you want to talk about?"

YES totally we should talk about how much I love you and how we should get together we should talk all about that yes yes yes.

But instead, Cher asked about the other thing that was bothering her: "Josh, how long have we known each other? How long have we hated each other? And seriously, like, how many times have you come to my room to ask me what was wrong? Really, like, what's up with you?"

All of the sudden it hit Josh how weird this was. Why did he come here, anyway? Well, he did know the answer to that question, as much as he tried to deny it.

"Well, you know, uhm, I was just… I was thinking, I mean, yeah."

This is going well, Josh thought angrily, I've already lost all ability to speak coherently, "I've just been thinking that, well, I guess I can be a little harsh with you sometimes, right?"

"Uhm, definitely."

"Right… so, uh, I felt like I ought to be more understanding and stuff. You know, since we're sorta related."

"NO!"

"What?!" Josh was taken aback. Cher actually had seemed okay for a second there, why was she going crazy all of the sudden?

"We are NOT related! My father married and divorced your mother, like, five years ago. We share no blood relatives. We are not related."

"Oh, okay, sorry, my bad. I didn't mean to offend you."

Cher looked away.

"Fine, a question for you, Cher: in the past five years, how many times have we referred to each other as stepsiblings? And how many times have either of us freaked out about the fact that we're not really related? What's up with that?"

Her silence was unbroken.

"What is with you lately? Why have you been so… different?"

"What's wrong with my different?" Cher finally responded, "I've been nicer and more generous and stuff. Is there something wrong with that?"

"No, there's nothing wrong with that, I just don't understand why you've changed."

Cher couldn't take it anymore. "Because I want to be a good person! Because I don't want you to see me as the ditzy, bitchy little girl who only cares about shopping and being popular! Because you've been super down lately and I thought you might like some cookies!"

Back to silence. Josh quietly sat down next to her.

"The cookies were for me?" he whispered after a minute passed.

"Yeah, well," Cher wiped away a small tear, "I thought you might like them."

"You said the cookies were for Christian."

"Not exactly. I said the cookies were for me so Christian would think other guys were giving me things."

"That doesn't make sense. Guys don't bake. Not even for girls they like."

"I know. It was a dumb lie."

"Well, then, what about your plan to get with Christian?"

"That plan ended weeks ago. Christian's gay."

"Oh. Sorry."

"It's cool, looking back, I really wasn't that into him."

"Still, I hear he's hot."

Cher giggled. Then she closed her eyes. "Did you mean what you said?"

"About what?" Josh asked, even though he knew.

Cher kept her eyes shut tight. "Do you really think it would be pathetic for a guy your age to date a girl my age?"

Josh sighed, "I mean, under some circumstances, maybe."

"You know what circumstances I'm asking about."

"Right."

"And?"

"Cher…" Josh had no idea what to say. "Well, you know, you're too beautiful for you own good."

She didn't want to fall so easily to flattery, but she really couldn't help herself.

"Really Cher, you, I mean, you're so… I don't know. I don't know how to say it."

"That's okay, I think I know what you mean. You're that, too! So what's wrong with you and I being together?"

Josh took a deep breath. "You're sixteen; I'm in college; we were, at some point, kinda related no matter what you say; we live in the same house, and your father would kill me."

"Besides that."

"Besides all that? Nothing, I guess."

"So you feel the same way about me?"

Finally, Cher began to open her eyes. Josh was smiling.

"Yeah. Yeah, I do."

"Really?"

"Really."

They stared at each other for a moment before they heard Mel coming in the front door. They shared a look, expressing their agreement that this was the wrong time and place for a romantic movie-scene kiss. Yeah, that time would have to come later.

**A/N: Okay, I'm a noob! I have know idea why the first fanfic I ever wrote was for Clueless (not that it's a bad movie, obviously I love it, but it's not exactly a movie that most people run to their keyboards after). Anyway, to anyone who reads this, thank you for your time, hope you enjoyed the story!**


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